Hijrah

Dari gadis mentah hingga remaja, both of my parents tak terlalu meletakkan syarat berpakaian (for outdoor) except:

1. No short skirts
2. No shorts
3. No singlet/sleeveless shirt

Mudah dan senang faham. Bab pakai tudung, I guess my parents were being lenient by not forcing me. Well, I guess it's their soft parenting skill to mould my personality and characteristic to be a compliant daughter.

Until one day, my parents got paranoid when something happened to my childhood friend (cum) anak kepada kawan Abah dan Mama sendiri. Well, the occurrence of that event has led Abah to come and talk to me personally. And guess what? Abah urged me to start wearing hijab. And I was 19 years old at that time. Hence, the difficulty in accepting his request. I even argue - said that it is too early for me and am not ready. 

I took few days thinking and considering all kind of situations (i.e.: being a student at that time got me thinking am I really ready to wear today to the class when I've started the Uni as a free hair girl but later going to new sem with new image? As a hijabi?)  Ain't easy when you have to do something that you have no heart at all and obviously not ready for it. All I think was, I still wanna explore and trying lotsa nice clothes and beautiful dresses by letting my hair loose and bouncy. It makes me feel good about myself and boost my confidence level though. But by wearing hijab? Am not sure. 

Yet, after long and thoughtful consideration, I challenged myself to give a shot. Because there's a saying; 

"Bertudunglah walaupun terpaksa, solatlah walaupun terpaksa, puasalah walau terpaksa.. Kerana kewajipan itu memang kadang kala sifatnya terpaksa.. Dari keterpaksaan itu perlahan-lahan kita akan menemukan hikmah dan pada akhirnya hati pun menjadi ikhlas untuk beribadah kepadaNya."

So, I have decided to start wearing hijab on January 1, 2008.

I thought am gonna be a better person when I covered my body and hair up and dressed like a real muslimah. Regrettably, I took it for granted. Living with others' good and positive perception towards girls who wear headscarf has changed my way of practising Islam.

Let's straight to the point, when I was a non-hijabi, I do solah and it is truly comes from my heart. Above and beyond, I want to show to the world that not every free-hair girls are bad and not every hijabis are good.

But yeah, I somehow has proved that not every hijabis are good when I am one among them who only wear headscarf but not perform solah and take it as not obligatory because hey, I am wearing hijab! I am a good muslimah already.

And that was my BIGGEST mistake.

I found that myself ain't ready for the changes yet and went back to the old me. However, I was still afraid to come clean and confess to my parents so, I only wore hijab when I was with them. Another HUGE mistake.

But I bet my parents knew it.

Things were still the same (wore hijab on and off) and went on until I came back to my hometown in Langkawi and started working in L***. I remember when I was getting myself ready to go for the interview, I chose not to wear hijab. So, Mama came to my room and asked me to wear a headscarf since Abah insisted. Again, memang terasa geram sangat sebab still kena paksa tapi I pakai juga cos I thought I won't get that job.

But I hate the fact that I got the job and have to go to the office wearing baju kurung and headscarf. I have no other options since I had my interview session by wearing headscarf. Takkan nak pegi lapor diri tak pakai tudung pulak kan?

Everyday rasa berat hati dan terpaksa bila setiap kali nak pegi kerja kena pakai tudung. Few times juga bebal dengan parents because I don't have much of headscarf's collection to be suited with my baju kurung.

Pergi kerja pakai tudung, luar waktu kerja tak pakai tudung. Keluar dengan husband (tunang masa tu) tak pakai tudung dan macam tu la everyday of my life.

But slowly, I started to enjoy wearing hijab and exploring new hijab/shawls style. Dari pakai tudung tanpa mengira singkat atau labuh kepada yang menitikberatkan labuh tudung di bahagian dada. I started to love shawls sebab besar dan labuh.

This time is so much different compared to my previous experience. I am not taking it for granted anymore; I am wearing hijab and practicing Islam the best I could (i.e: perform solah). But this time, I started to learn the meaning of every ayat yang dibaca dalam solat, maksud yang terkandung dalam isi Al-Quran. Dulu, I solat tapi tak tahu maksud. Dulu, I baca Al-Quran tapi tak ada effort nak belajar dan faham maksud kandungan Al-Quran.

And this little effort has brought me to the whole new level of understanding and practising Islam perfectly to its rule.

Eventually, I felt ready and I wanted to. I may have took off my hijab once but, in sha Allah, with my better understanding of Islam, my hijab is going to stay with me till the end.

And this happened when I have married with husband so, some people had misjudged me by saying, "dulu tak pernah fikir dosa, tak tutup aurat ayah kena tanggung. Bila dah kawen tahu pulak takut dosa husband kena tanggung."

Well well well.. pardon their ignorance cause as far as I know, tiada istilah dosa kita ditanggung oleh orang lain.

Firman Allah s.w.t bermaksud, "(iaitu) bahawasanya seorang yang berdosa tidak akan memikul dosa orang lain" (Surah Al Najm (53) Ayat 38)

"Dan seorang yang berdosa tidak dapat memikul dosa orang lain" (Surah Al Israa (17) Ayat 15)

But anyways, in my case, there's nothing to do with "I tak fikir my dosa yang my father or husband kena tanggung". Because first of all, it is not a case. Second of all, my husband never asked me to wear hijab for him. And truthfully, I can't even tell you when is the actual day or date that I have made up my mind to start wearing hijab consistently. It just happened. And I am glad that the changes I have made is by my choice not others.

After all, the major credits I want to give is of course to my parents that never give up on me. Alhamdulillah, thank you Abah Mama.