A Little Trip to the Archives

Reading through my old blog posts made me realize...  I really ain't that fun anymore.

Somewhere along the way, I accidentally became an adult. And I guess that's the harsh truth - adulting changes you.

Maybe it didn't steal my personality after all; maybe it just reshaped it.

Life taught me through experience. I learned to handle things with a little more wisdom, to know when to speak and when to simply pay attention. I learned to observe before making judgments and to understand before reacting.

These days, I find myself drawn to more serious things happening around the world. The things that excite me are different now and so are the conversations I enjoy.

I guess that's what growth looks like.

Not becoming less fun, just becoming a different version of yourself.

I still miss the version of me who found excitement in the little things though.

The Opportunity

My old readers (who I doubt are still here and actually reading this) would probably remember that this blog, my little personal space, where I used to rant about student life, friends, family and relationships - more like writing in a diary but with attractive features - once blew up because of just one post: "Blogger Cantik di Malaysia." Hahaha!

Until today, I still wonder who was the first person that stumbled upon my blog and decided to put me on that list with all those gorgeous bloggers. Seriously, I was so intimidated. I wasn't even close to any of them. 😂

Anyway, let's put that story aside for now.

But thanks to the person who put me in the spotlight with that post, my blog eventually reached a level I never expected. I received an invitation from one of Southeast Asia's leading online fashion and lifestyle retailers to collaborate, an invitation to appear as a guest on a national TV programme and even a few opportunities from Nuffnang. And classically-me, I politely turned them all down. It wasn't because I didn't appreciate the opportunities. I did. I just knew they came with a version of life I wasn't ready for. I've always valued my privacy more than being in the spotlight and I didn't think I had the confidence or courage to put myself out there.

Looking back, if I had taken all the opportunities that came my way back then, I probably would've ended up alongside those who knew how to make the most of them. I'm sure you know some of the names that came from the blogging scene. They've become well-known in their own fields. Many of them eventually became celebrities or, in today's terms, influencers.

But I won't say that I regret the choices I made. If I could go back to that time, I'd still make the same decisions. Cause that's simply who I am; an ambivert who's always tried to stay under the radar and enjoyed staying in my own little bubble. Though people probably saw me as an outgoing person who was always having the time of my life, the truth is, I loved living like a hermit. I loved writing, reading, watching old movies and listening to heartbreak songs. That's me, the average Jane.  

I'm still proud of the person I've become; as a daughter, a wife and now, a mother. Sure, the life I'm living now is nowhere near glamorous or fancy. It's a simple life; working a 9-to-5 like most people and earning an honest living. But Alhamdulillah, it's the life I've always wanted; a modest life with a healthy work-life balance. 

Even after all these years, not much has changed. I'm still not the kind of person who's eager to chase titles or climb the corporate ladder. I've always believed that every bigger role comes with greater responsibility and I've never wanted to take on something I wasn't fully prepared for. I'd rather grow steadily while stay true to myself. Well, I guess that despite dreaming of leaving my own mark on this world, I'd always end up choosing the safer path.

At the end of the day, I believe in one thing; you're exactly where Allah SWT wants you to be. 😇

**Here's one from the archives;

- small piece of the past that reminds me of every opportunity comes with its own purpose, 

         whether it's meant to change our direction or simply strengthen our faith in the path we've chosen.

The Other Side of the Coin

I had the chance to meet up with my high school friends on the fourth day of Hari Raya. A very last-minute plan. Just tried my luck, reaching out to see if they could squeeze in a short reunion. Morning seemed like the ideal time, giving all of us space to step out for a while without disrupting the rest of our day. 

We talked about so many things, catching up on each other's lives that eventually covered every layer from career and personal struggles to mental health, family, finances and even geopolitics (especially with the ongoing tensions between the US/Israel and Iran, of course it would be part of the discussion). 

We met at 9 AM sharp and concluded at nearly 2 PM. 😅

What struck me most was how, even now, as we approach 40, we're all still figuring life out. It's a complete contrast to how I once imagined adulthood. I used to think that by this age, everything would be settled, stable, structured and clear. 

Turns out, it's far from that. 

But that's a story for another time.

Throughout the session, I also came to understand their perspectives of me - how they see me as a person. 

How they said, they wished they had my kind of "ignorance" - the ability to not worry too much about how others perceive them or not to feel overly responsible for other people's emotions. 

I found myself both agreeing and disagreeing, but I didn't really respond. I just let their perceptions be what they are.  

Because the truth is, I know what I feel.

I know what has shaped me into who I am. I know what I've gone through, what I've carried and how much I've quietly endured - far more than I ever show. 

Maybe I'm just good at hiding it. 

Or maybe I've never really learned how to share deeply with people. Cause I only truly open and speak my heart out in my du'a. 

Have I ever broken down? Of course.

Have I ever felt lost? Again and again.

Have I ever felt worthless? More than I can explain. 

Have I figured everything out? Not even close. 

Have I ever reached my lowest point? In ways I can hardly put into words. 

And did I cry for help? Yes, I did. But only in my prayers.

I may have shared glimpses of my struggles with few, but I believe, no one truly understands the weight I've been carrying. 

And that's okay. 

I've never placed expectations on others to fully understand or feel what I feel. 

Because they can't. Just as I can't fully understand or feel what they go through. 

We are all walking in different shoes. 

Hence, it may appear to them that I don't really bother. 

But truth is, I hold on, maintain my sanity and keep my hopes alive because I know, my problem solver is only Him. And He is the only One I seek help from. 

And despite it all, I know others have had it harder. That alone keeps me grateful. Alhamdulillah.

“If you are grateful, I will surely increase you…”

— (Surah Ibrahim 14:7)

 

One of the most direct and well-known sayings of the Prophet ﷺ:

“Look at those who are below you (in worldly matters), and do not look at those who are above you, for that is more likely to keep you from belittling the blessings of Allah upon you.”

— (Sahih al-Bukhari & Sahih Muslim)

Khalas.