The Other Side of the Coin

I had the chance to meet up with my high school friends on the fourth day of Hari Raya. A very last-minute plan. Just tried my luck, reaching out to see if they could squeeze in a short reunion. Morning seemed like the ideal time, giving all of us space to step out for a while without disrupting the rest of our day. 

We talked about so many things, catching up on each other's lives that eventually covered every layer from career and personal struggles to mental health, family, finances and even geopolitics (especially with the ongoing tensions between the US/Israel and Iran, of course it would be part of the discussion). 

We met at 9 AM sharp and concluded at nearly 2 PM. 😅

What struck me most was how, even now, as we approach 40, we're all still figuring life out. It's a complete contrast to how I once imagined adulthood. I used to think that by this age, everything would be settled, stable, structured and clear. 

Turns out, it's far from that. 

But that's a story for another time.

Throughout the session, I also came to understand their perspectives of me - how they see me as a person. 

How they said, they wished they had my kind of "ignorance" - the ability to not worry too much about how others perceive them or not to feel overly responsible for other people's emotions. 

I found myself both agreeing and disagreeing, but I didn't really respond. I just let their perceptions be what they are.  

Because the truth is, I know what I feel.

I know what has shaped me into who I am. I know what I've gone through, what I've carried and how much I've quietly endured - far more than I ever show. 

Maybe I'm just good at hiding it. 

Or maybe I've never really learned how to share deeply with people. Cause I only truly open and speak my heart out in my du'a. 

Have I ever broken down? Of course.

Have I ever felt lost? Again and again.

Have I ever felt worthless? More than I can explain. 

Have I figured everything out? Not even close. 

Have I ever reached my lowest point? In ways I can hardly put into words. 

And did I cry for help? Yes, I did. But only in my prayers.

I may have shared glimpses of my struggles with few, but I believe, no one truly understands the weight I've been carrying. 

And that's okay. 

I've never placed expectations on others to fully understand or feel what I feel. 

Because they can't. Just as I can't fully understand or feel what they go through. 

We are all walking in different shoes. 

Hence, it may appear to them that I don't really bother. 

But truth is, I hold on, maintain my sanity and keep my hopes alive because I know, my problem solver is only Him. And He is the only One I seek help from. 

And despite it all, I know others have had it harder. That alone keeps me grateful. Alhamdulillah.

“If you are grateful, I will surely increase you…”

— (Surah Ibrahim 14:7)

 

One of the most direct and well-known sayings of the Prophet ﷺ:

“Look at those who are below you (in worldly matters), and do not look at those who are above you, for that is more likely to keep you from belittling the blessings of Allah upon you.”

— (Sahih al-Bukhari & Sahih Muslim)

Khalas.  

From Setback to Comeback

Things with life is - it's really moves in cycle. 

One moment everything's going your way, and the next you're hit with challenges you didn't see coming.

But the good thing is, you're never stuck.

You won't always be on top, but you also won't always be at the bottom. 

--

My career growth since graduation has been steadily upward. Sure, it wasn't always easy, but overall, it's been a pretty satisfying climb. And what makes me even prouder is that to land those jobs, I actually had to sit for exams in order to get shortlisted for interviews and somehow, I nailed them every single time. 

At one point, I truly believed that everything I had, I earned on my own. I worked for it, and it was all because of my hard work. 

Until life knocked me down so hard. There came a moment when I lost my job due to unforeseen circumstances and that setback stretched into five challenging years without work. 

Indeed, life has its own ways of humbling me and teaching me lessons I didn't know I needed. 

During that period, I learned to place my full faith and trust in Him. I understand now that He alone holds the true power and control over everything. I don't have the slightest strength, not even over the things that already in my hand. 

I had convinced myself that this one particular interview would be my last. I'd lost the spark, the hope of pursuing any more opportunities. But it became the very door I never saw coming. 

Even so, it meant starting over. From the bottom.

And who would've thought, after five years - here I am, writing this on a Friday night after work.   

Alhamdulillah, it's been over a year now since I returned to work. Back in the corporate world, rocking life as a working mom again.

But this time, I walk with a deeper sense - that this too is temporary and could be taken from me at any moment. 

Therefore, all I want to do is cherish each moment I'm given, doing my best to improve myself, day by day. 

In shaa Allah.

xoxo, 

Syuha D.

From Working Mom to SAHM: A Chapter I Never Expected

My last day as a government servant was back in December 2018.

Since then, my life has taken quite a turn. From juggling meetings and deadlines as a working mom, I found myself stepping into a role I never imagined for myself, a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). Honestly, it wasn’t something I ever thought about, let alone planned or dreamed of. Maybe for some women, especially after getting married, becoming a SAHM is part of the goal. But for me? Not at all.

Being a SAHM was never in my vocabulary. I couldn’t even picture it. Indeed, life isn’t always what one likes (Roman Holiday).

If I’m being real, I was never a great cook. Well, if I'm being brutally honest, I only learned how to make nasi goreng after I got married and yes, it was a total flop! 

We were in a LDM (long-distance marriage) for about a year plus, so thankfully that failed nasi goreng was a solo practice session. Only after we reunited, I started to cook but, it was mostly simple meals done occasionally. You wouldn't believe it took me up to 2-3 hours just to prepare dinner. By the time the food was ready, it was already supper time! 😂 So, obviously SirHubby couldn't expect me to cook 3 times a day on the weekend. He'd definitely be starving while waiting for the foods to be ready!

But once I became a full-time SAHM, a lot had to change. We had to manage our finances more carefully, which meant cooking at home became a necessity.

Slowly but surely, I adapted. Cooking time now has been cut short, and I could get it done way faster - while still keeping the same precise measurements for every cut, of course! I even baked for my kids’ birthdays - something I never imagined myself doing. But there I was, rolling dough, decorating cakes and creating moments that made their eyes light up. Over time, I found joy in it. I even started selling pastries and Mac & Cheese on a small scale - just to test the waters and explore new possibilities.

I genuinely enjoyed my time as a SAHM. Being there for my children, handling their routines, teaching them, doing homework together and cooking meals for them - it was fulfilling in ways I never expected. It made me grateful.

But I won’t lie - I never stopped looking for work.

As much as I loved being home with my kids, a part of me longed to return to the working world. I missed the rush of being in a professional setting, the mental stimulation, the feeling of productivity that came from using my skills beyond the home. That’s the only time I truly feel like my brain is functioning at full capacity.

I want to be more - for myself and for my daughters. I want to be a role model they can look up to. I want to show them what it means to chase goals, to provide for the family and to stand on your own two feet.

So I kept applying. For five years, I sent out resumes, went through interviews, faced rejections - and even experienced the heartbreak of receiving job offers only to have them fall through due to unforeseen circumstances.

Eventually, I gave up. I told myself maybe this is it. Maybe Allah wants me to focus on being the best mother and wife I can be. Maybe this chapter - unexpected as it is - is where I'm meant to serve wholeheartedly.

And maybe, just maybe, that's not a loss, but a calm sense of direction.

*****

Eris & Elysia's birthday, 2021 - cake and cupcakes by yours truly  💖

Little hands, big mess, even bigger memories 🧁