Chapter 1: Umrah 2018

Trivia 

I just woke up in the middle of the night since I hit the sack a bit early tonight.

Was browsing through all the socmeds before decided back to sleep again since it's only 2AM in the morning. 

"I should sleep" telling myself that I wouldn't make it for Subuh if I didn't sleep now. 

My eyes are closed but I can't shut my brain off. It's really one busy mind.  

Somehow, it's replaying one ceramah that I watched earlier online from Ustazah Asma talking about Tahajjud (night prayer). She explained how powerful Tahajjud is and it's very important for us to appreciate and avail oneself to perform it as it's a precious time for us to be able to talk and ask directly to Allah swt. It sounds simple; to wake up in the middle of the night to perform Tahajjud but not many could do that. It takes efforts and willingness.

So, while my eyes are still closed and I am still contemplating about continue my sleep since I need to wake up for Subuh (even myself is sceptic that I could make it if I'm still having racing thoughts) or should I wake up and perform Tahajjud. 

But then, I remember Ustazah Asma's said about one to perform Tahajjud needs Iman (faith). Iman is something we trust with our heart then we take action to actually realise it. Only those whom with Iman could be able to wake up and perform Tahajjud. It hits me real hard.

It's A one real call I believe. And so, I get up.  

I know I am far from pious but I certainly looking for Hidayah and I want to at least have that level of Iman even it just a bare minimum. 

And I believe the power of Tahajjud when once, one of my dreams came true through Tahajjud. 

And giving thought of my current state, I believe, only Tahajjud could ease and give the answer for my dead end. In shaa Allah. 

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Wish Granted

When my parents decided to bring my adik for their first Umrah (in 2017) after done with their Hajj (2011). I have two things running in my head;

1. How lucky my brother is (And I am so envy him that Allah swt loves him more that he could be His guest at such young age)
2. Have I wronged anyone that literally has hindered me from getting Allah's permision to visit His house?

I did lots of reflections because of THAT two things. 

When my parents came back from Umrah and gave me all the souvenirs and gifts they bought in Mecca and Medina, I looked at the fridge magnet (ouhh, I always love fridge magnet!) that I chose earlier with a picture of Kaabah, I silently talking to myself, "how beautiful is this, how lucky those who could go there and witness this beautiful place by their own eyes." While knowing my own financial standing, hopelessly, I could only dream that someday, I'd be able to go there too.

For as long as I remember, it's always gives the same feelings whenever I look at the picture of Kaabah and always with the same monologue, "How beautiful and how lucky those who've been there..."

One night, that was basically my first night thinking of doing Tahajjud by my own since my last Qiamullail in high school with teachers, ustaz, ustazah and all form 3 students in an establishment for upcoming PMR. And that was my last time (at the time). 

So, that night, I performed Tahajjud (which I don't really recall what was my real motivation) but the whole time doing that, I was thinking of a chance performing Umrah. I made some reflections thinking all the possibilities (to the point of self-created) reasons and all my wrongdoings including hurting people regardless intentionally or unintentionally that might be one of the reasons inhibited me getting His invitation. 

But guess what? The next morning, my mom called and told me about her plan to go for another Umrah trip. Then she offered me to go there with her and Abah. I told her, I don't have enough money to pay all the fees. Then she said, it's all on her. WOOW! I was like, "for real Ma???!!"

I have four siblings and Mama already took adik, the youngest one with her for their first Umrah. I have Abang (the eldest) and another one younger brother. Considering my-at-that-time situation, when my second child was still 9 months old, I don't think I'm the perfect choice to get the offer. Yet, Mama picked me! 

That's how Tahajjud works. It's not about money, it's not about when is your perfect time or choices, it's about who truly believes of His power, to drive someone's heart to be His middle-man sharing and giving His rizq and even represent on behalf of His invitation. He heard you. He knows you. He knows what you want. He knows what is the best for you. And surely He knows when is the right time to give the most you need. Subhanallah..  

To Be Continued...