Hijrah

Dari gadis mentah hingga remaja, both of my parents tak terlalu meletakkan syarat berpakaian (for outdoor) except:

1. No short skirts
2. No shorts
3. No singlet/sleeveless shirt

Mudah dan senang faham. Bab pakai tudung, I guess my parents were being lenient by not forcing me. Well, I guess it's their soft parenting skill to mould my personality and characteristic to be a compliant daughter.

Until one day, my parents got paranoid when something happened to my childhood friend (cum) anak kepada kawan Abah dan Mama sendiri. Well, the occurrence of that event has led Abah to come and talk to me personally. And guess what? Abah "urged" - not asked or requested - me to start wearing hijab. And I was 19 years old at that time. Hence, the difficulty in accepting his request. I even argue - said that it is too early for me and am not ready. 

I took few days thinking and considering all kind of situations (i.e.: being a student at that time got me thinking am I really ready to wear today to the class when I've started the Uni as a free hair girl but later going to new sem with new image? As a hijabi?)  Ain't easy when you have to do something that you have no heart at all and obviously not ready for it. All I think was, I still wanna explore and trying lotsa nice clothes and beautiful dresses by letting my hair loose and bouncy. It makes me feel good about myself and boost my confidence level though. But by wearing hijab? Am not sure. 

Yet, after long and thoughtful consideration, I challenged myself to give a shot. Because there's a saying; 

"Bertudunglah walaupun terpaksa, solatlah walaupun terpaksa, puasalah walau terpaksa.. Kerana kewajipan itu memang kadang kala sifatnya terpaksa.. Dari keterpaksaan itu perlahan-lahan kita akan menemukan hikmah dan pada akhirnya hati pun menjadi ikhlas untuk beribadah kepadaNya."

So, I have decided to start wearing hijab on January 1, 2008.

I thought am gonna be a better person when I covered my body and hair up and dressed like a real muslimah. Regrettably, I took it for granted. Living with others' good and positive perception towards girls who wear headscarf has changed my way of practising Islam.

Let's straight to the point, when I was a non-hijabi, I do solah and it is truly comes from my heart. Above and beyond, I want to show to the world that not every free-hair girls are bad and not every hijabis are good.

But yeah, I somehow has proved that not every hijabis are good when I am one among them who only wear headscarf but not perform solah and take it as not obligatory because hey, I am wearing hijab! I am a good muslimah already.

And that was my BIGGEST mistake.

I found that myself ain't ready for the changes yet and went back to the old me. However, I was still afraid to come clean and confess to my parents so, I only wore hijab when I was with them. Another HUGE mistake.

But I bet my parents knew it.

Things were still the same (wore hijab on and off) and went on until I came back to my hometown in Langkawi and started working in L***. I remember when I was getting myself ready to go for the interview, I chose not to wear hijab. So, Mama came to my room and asked me to wear a headscarf since Abah insisted. Again, memang terasa geram sangat sebab still kena paksa tapi I pakai juga cos I thought I won't get that job.

But I hate the fact that I got the job and have to go to the office wearing baju kurung and headscarf. I have no other options since I had my interview session by wearing headscarf. Takkan nak pegi lapor diri tak pakai tudung pulak kan?

Everyday rasa berat hati dan terpaksa bila setiap kali nak pegi kerja kena pakai tudung. Few times juga bebal dengan parents because I don't have much of headscarf's collection to be suited with my baju kurung.

Pergi kerja pakai tudung, luar waktu kerja tak pakai tudung. Keluar dengan husband (tunang masa tu) tak pakai tudung dan macam tu la everyday of my life.

But slowly, I started to enjoy wearing hijab and exploring new hijab/shawls style. Dari pakai tudung tanpa mengira singkat atau labuh kepada yang menitikberatkan labuh tudung di bahagian dada. I started to love shawls sebab besar dan labuh.

This time is so much different compared to my previous experience. I am not taking it for granted anymore; I am wearing hijab and practicing Islam the best I could (i.e: perform solah). But this time, I started to learn the meaning of every ayat yang dibaca dalam solat, maksud yang terkandung dalam isi Al-Quran. Dulu, I solat tapi tak tahu maksud. Dulu, I baca Al-Quran tapi tak ada effort nak belajar dan faham maksud kandungan Al-Quran.

And this little effort has brought me to the whole new level of understanding and practising Islam perfectly to its rule.

Eventually, I felt ready and I wanted to. I may have took off my hijab once but, in sha Allah, with my better understanding of Islam, my hijab is going to stay with me till the end.

And this happened when I have married with husband so, some people had misjudged me by saying, "dulu tak pernah fikir dosa, tak tutup aurat ayah kena tanggung. Bila dah kawen tahu pulak takut dosa husband kena tanggung."

Well well well.. pardon their ignorance cause as far as I know, tiada istilah dosa kita ditanggung oleh orang lain.

Firman Allah s.w.t bermaksud, "(iaitu) bahawasanya seorang yang berdosa tidak akan memikul dosa orang lain" (Surah Al Najm (53) Ayat 38)

"Dan seorang yang berdosa tidak dapat memikul dosa orang lain" (Surah Al Israa (17) Ayat 15)

But anyways, in my case, there's nothing to do with "I tak fikir my dosa yang my father or husband kena tanggung". Because first of all, it is not a case. Second of all, my husband never asked me to wear hijab for him. And truthfully, I can't even tell you when is the actual day or date that I have made up my mind to start wearing hijab consistently. It just happened. And I am glad that the changes I have made is by my choice not others.

After all, the major credits I want to give is of course to my parents that never give up on me. Alhamdulillah, thank you Abah Mama.

of work

Looking back at my employment history, frankly speaking, I hardly stayed longer than six months in one organization. The reasons were pretty simple:

• I always felt the urge to move on once things became too familiar;
• I loved discovering new things;
• I was constantly looking for better opportunities and offers.

Surprisingly, the offer I received from L*** last year has turned out to be the longest I've stayed in a job so far.

I have to admit, getting this position in the semi-government sector wasn't easy, especially with the current job market, the intense competition and the increasing number of graduates entering the workforce. But Alhamdulillah, I finally secured the position on my second attempt. It wasn't an opportunity that simply fell into my lap. Hence, believe me when I say it ain't easy.

And for that reason too, I made a promise to myself that no matter what challenges came my way, I wouldn't give up easily. That promise was made long before I ever met my husband.

It was during that waiting period that I got to know him. To be honest, we never planned to get married so soon. But when it comes to jodoh and Allah's plans, everything just seemed to fall perfectly into place. Before we knew it, everything happened within the span of a year.

We got married just as I started working at L*** and our very first challenge as husband and wife was living apart. My husband was working in Puncak Alam, while I was based in Langkawi.

Since I had just started working, quitting was never really an option, even though we were in a long-distance marriage (LDM). Alhamdulillah, I was blessed with a husband who has always been so supportive and understanding. He never once asked me to give up my job, even though it meant we had to be apart.

As for me, I genuinely wanted to grow. I was excited to learn new things, gain more experience and see where this job could take me. I could already see the opportunities ahead and I wasn't ready to let them go.

Looking back, last year was one of the best years of my career. I had only been working for about three months when my boss suddenly told me I'd be going to Taipei, Taiwan, for an international event. To me, that was a huge deal. I never expected to be given such an opportunity so early on and it made me feel that my hard work was being recognized and appreciated.

At that point, I could honestly say that I was truly enjoying my job.

But then came this year - one toughest year I'd say. 

Things took a turn I never expected and somehow I found myself caught in the middle of office politics. I wasn't even part of the game but somehow I still got dragged into it.

The thing is, I've never been good at office politics. I don't know how to pick sides, sugarcoat things or play along just to keep everyone happy. Maybe that's my weakness. Or maybe it's just not who I am.

Honestly, I don't think I can ever find the right words to describe how draining office politics can be. So I'll leave that story for another day.

What I can say is that it slowly chipped away at my motivation. For the first time, I seriously thought about walking away from this organization - despite the promise I made to myself when I first got this job. 

And this time, I even had what felt like a solid reason to leave - to finally be with my husband instead of continuing our long-distance marriage.

But here's the funny part.

Despite all the frustration, the tears, the endless "I quit" moments in my head and all the dramatic speeches I gave to myself... I somehow ended up staying for more than a year.

Well... I guess that's another achievement unlocked. 😂

Now, I've decided to just go with the flow.

I'll keep reminding myself to stay strong, be patient and never lose hope. Insya-Allah, Allah s.w.t. knows what's best and He will always guide me through. ;)

SyuHanith Solemnization

Tanggal 10 Ogos 2013 bersamaan 3 Syawal 1434 merupakan tarikh bersejarah dalam hidup aku. Seorang lelaki yang hadir tanpa diduga dalam hidup setahun sebelumnya, telah mengangkat darjat si pendosa ini di tempat tertinggi menjadikan aku sebagai seorang isteri. 

Alhamdulillah, segalanya berjalan lancar except, yeah, my make up was totally disaster! 

Majlis akad nikah telah berlangsung di Masjid Intan Syafinaz pada jam... oh, I can't remember at what time the event started because I am so pissed off with my make up!

Konsentrasi masa tu totally distracted dengan perasaan geram dan tak puas hati pada si juru solek. Sepatutnya dah boleh feel nak nangis ke apa tapi dah tak boleh. Jadinya, masa husband akad nikah pun tak dengar sebab fikiran dah ke lain. Sekarang menyesal sebab terlalu emo sangat masa tu. Auntie flow is just another excuse for being irrational and too emotional. 

Abah sebagai wali yang juga telah menikahkan aku. Alhamdulillah, I am so thankful that both of them done it so well! 

Aku sah menjadi isteri kepada Mohamad Hanis Bin Yahaya a.k.a Incik Pensyarah dengan sekali lafaz. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah.. \(^_^)/

Sama macam masa bertunang dulu, dah ditetapkan tema bagi setiap majlis yang akan berlangsung. Those yang pernah baca my entry on the engagement day tahu tema majlis tunang adalah Princess. Jadi segala-galanya serba-serbi warna pink. 

Untuk majlis nikah pula, I've chosen Arabian theme. Serba putih dan berniqab. Dan kenapa yang marah sangat pasal make-up tu sebab juru solek boleh letak eye shadow tanpa tone color or teknik smokey eyes but instead dia letak setempek warna hitam yang secara langsung menampakkan rupa seperti mayat yang ber-roh. pfffft!

Dan gambar di bawah telah selamat diedit supaya tidak jelas kelihatan rupa buruk tu. tehee!